Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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