If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
