You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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