You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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