Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I puked a lego.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
