Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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