I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
