I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
