I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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