I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
