I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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