i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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