morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
