Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
