one two three fourrrrnication!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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