Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
