I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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