She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
