So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Randomize
