So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
