So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
