well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
home. puking in laundry basket.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
