Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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