Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Also, beer. Big fan.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
COCAINE IS GR8
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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