I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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