I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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