wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
