I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
