who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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