you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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