I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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