we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I need a beard to bite.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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