I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
