He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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