Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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