There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
