Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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