i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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