She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
