my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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