im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Nicole vs. Life
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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