You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
