please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
