he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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