probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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