I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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