it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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