you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
