my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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