I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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