If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
