Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
