why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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