I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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