some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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