btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
