She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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