Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
