Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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