New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
nutella sex= disaster
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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