there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
